August 3, 2020
You called me a FAKE

You called me a FAKE

You called me a fake… maybe I was…

At age 2 I had a tumor removed from my brow bone. It was the size of a mans fist and it was wrapped around my temple bone. It was benign but left my brows uneven.  I would deal with mean people saying I have “bad Botox”… Nope just crooked brows from a tumor but thanks for noticing.

Age 13 I HATED my hair. It was poofy and frizzy and I longed for straight shiny hair. I would use chemicals and potions to the to get it as straight as possible.

At age 15 hated my nose. I obsessed over it. I had a bump that made me self conscious. I begged for a nose job.

Age 19 my flat chest bugged me abs I was teased about it. Implants  were becoming popular and I found a way to get them. I did not know then what I knew now as I would not have done that. My parents did not approve for the record but I was 19 and did it anyways. 😭

In my 20s I tanned and tanned and tanned some more. Tanning beds and all. Hey … I wanted that “perfect glow” Age 24 I had my first basal cell carcinomas as a result that left a significant scar on my chest.

All that before the age of 25 dang…

I’d go on into my 30’s and 40s striving for some impossible state of perfection. But I wasn’t alone. How many go through this strive for perfection?

When it’s natural and what we’re born with, people tease us still.When it’s altered or fake, people tease us still.

Lost weight? People judge Gained weight? People judge. Have a flat chest? People judge. Get implants? People judge. Don’t color, straighten , whatever to your hair? People judge.Spend hours at the salon changing your hair? Getting highlights, extensions, turning it purple… People judge.

Judgement is everywhere.

People judge and we take it on. It’s an impossible standard.

“You shouldn’t care what others think” as if that’s easy. It’s not. We are human, we want to feel seen, heard and like we matter. Mean people suck.And you know who is the most critical and meanest of them all? Ourselves. How we talk to ourselves .

With midlife comes wisdom

At 48 I’ve comes to terms with my mistakes in my younger years. I look at my beautiful 12 year old and my heart breaks when she’s critical of herself. All I see is a masterpiece.

I’ve accepted that things I changed about myself I did for the “right intentions.” We always do things for right intentions. What I know for sure now at 48? There is no such thing as perfection. We are not as nice and loving and accepting to others as we should be. And most importantly.. DANG we are so hard on ourselves.

What’s changed today? I love myself now. I believe in aging in reverse from the inside out. I workout, I eat well, I take care of my health, my skin.  I still do and love some “fake things” lashes and spray tans and some other things that make us feel and look a bit younger lol) but the difference is that now I do it for ME. Not for approval from others.

I may have done “fake things” to myself but I am anything but a fake. 💗

Never judge a book by its cover.

XO Natalie Jill

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